bars

I think a lot. I wish I would stop. But while I was thinking, I was thinking about things I do that make me feel ‘safe’. E.g. looking at what others are eating in order to give myself permission to eat This doesn’t keep me safe because it denies me my ability to respond to...

short term pain for long term gain

Recently I have felt myself caught in the fight between two opposites: the short-term and the long-term. As humans there is a powerful pull to soothe our short-term self. You see it all around in forms of procrastination or avoidant behaviour. The dishes can wait until tomorrow. Just one more episode. I’ll make it to...

a confession?

The subject of anorexia (AN) recovery might be really boring for most people. Without a personal connection there is no reason you might know anything about the illness or the treatment/ healing process. So I don’t anticipate my writings being for the masses. I write to process and as I do so I pray that...

dead ends

I used to live in Vauxhall, just south of Westminster. Often it was great fun living a stone’s throw from Big Ben and the like. However, whenever there was a big event on- which happens quite regularly in London- the place was carnage. Roads would be blocked, tubes delayed, swarms of tourists emerging round every...

Shinies

When I was a child, my sisters and I used to watch a television programme called The Shiny Show. From what I remember, it was essentially an educational quiz show hosted by puppets and you would play along at home and collect ‘shinies’ as prizes when you got things right. The shinies you used could...

notes

notes on notes on notes. i must have filled a forest's worth of pages on notes. notes to do remember love pray process overwhelming amounts of notes. I have most of my personal and prayer notes from the last seven years of my life. They are tightly stacked in a large bag-for-life at the foot...

a poem from lockdown 1

The dancing sun on the river smiles at me as i wile time away wondering if to you i might shine quite alike to this light? But beneath dancing rays lurk the deep murky greys akin to my fear raising its head, sinking nails in, killing all hope. (i thought i was lovesick. truly, i...

today

This lockdown life is a strange thing, isn’t it?    Nationally and internationally each day brings a new evolution of events, with seemingly endless news reports on vaccine trial updates and death tolls, scattered with the occasional twee home video or poem for some light relief.    In both the big picture and our personal...

Good Friday

I read this morning about a King who fell terminally ill. He wept for his life, and pleaded with God on the basis of the good life he had led. It’s true, he was a kind King and made noble decisions during his reign, as well as accomplishing major technological feats.  He should have died...

winded

i fell off a park swing once, as a younger girl my back hit the tarmac and breath was forced from my lungs in the following moments eyes staring into the clouds i knew nothing but breathless helpless agony. i called my family today, as an older girl from my room i looked into their...